Sunday, February 05, 2012

Super Bowl XLVI - 2/5/12


Each year, I watch the Super Bowl and make fun of it.
I do this for you.

You're welcome.

Where to begin...

Oh, look...it's Tom Coughlin.

Tom Couhglin looks terrible for a man who is only 24 years old.

Look at Kelly Clarkson.
I dare you.
Just when you think she can’t look worse…she doubles down.
Its almost like she is daring you to buy her records...and defend her size.
She seems content to challenge the idea that she is supposed to maintain some sort of healthy body.

“Here, Kelly…have some fruit.”
“Fuck you…pass the pizza-flavored Häagen-Dazs®”
Its hard to imagne who is more unfuckable.
Is it Madonna or Kelly Clarkson?

So…the coin toss. They asked for a call of heads or tails and Eli mouthed the words, “Who me? Shit…I missed it. Ah, fuck…threeve! Oh, that’s not a number?”

Since Gisele is on record as asking for her family to pray for Tom Brady, I want to know who Tim Tebow is praying for. Maybe, he gave that up when he realized that the Lord only loves winners.

I know that I am praying for the same thing I pray for each year. I want the two teams to play to a scoreless tie.

So, the Giants get a safety. So far, Eli Manning has contributed nothing to the scoring and the Giants are winning. Sound like a familiar refrain?
Is anyone reading this willing to bet that Eli Manning doesn’t even know what this sport is called? He isn’t even aware that he plays football. I am sure of it.

Audi uses Echo & The Bunnymen in a commercial.
Oh, sorry assholes who don’t know who they are.
They were a band that wrote songs, played instruments and actually contributed something beyond taped loops and non-stop repetition. They were awesome. You don’t know anything about them.

This Pepsi commercial with Elton John sucks.
It sucks because I am tired of hearing the melodies of songs being performed with unnecessary vocal runs and nineteen notes where three will suffice.

One plus….NO JOE BUCK!

I wonder if the networks are aware that almost everyone in America can’t stand the sound of Joe Buck’s voice. Although, the continued presence of Cris Collinsworth proves they don’t care.

“I think there are twelve guys on the field”, proving that Cris Collinsworth can’t count. There are at least twenty guys on that field, Pterodactyl-Face.

The Giants score first and Eli Manning runs to the sidelines, frightened by all the loud noises. I said the Patriots would score first. That tells you that I know as much about football as Andy Reid.
See what I did there?

Yeah! The Celebrity Apprentice is back.
Fuck Donald Trump.
Seriously.

Aaron Ross is excited because he tackled Wes Welker..after Welker got the first-down.

Alright.

Who is that dude painting the model with Danica Patrick?

Battleship...the movie.
So, its Transformers...without the Transformers.
What's next...Parchessi: The Action Adventure?

There is a joke in there about terrible movies...bombs...and Rihanna....I just can't find it.

While we are at it, every movie with Liam Neeson should just be called "I Am Going To Hunt You Down and Kill You".

The Budweiser Prohibition commercial conveniently rewrites history.
Can you tell me what I am talking about?
Let's see if you know more than the average beer-drinker.

What does a kid peeing in a pool have to do with taxes?
I mean, besides the obvious.

How much you wanna bet Eli Manning runs from the line of scrimmage screaming like a little girl after he hands the ball off to his running-back?

The commercial with the dog jumping into the pool, as James Brown music was playing, is the highlight of the Super Bowl for my mom.

Once again, Eli Manning just throws the ball into the air and one of his stud receivers makes him look like a professional athlete.

Cris Collinsworth never misses an opportunity to remind people that he was in a Super Bowl. "I can tell you first hand..."
Yeah...that was awesome, Cris.
Remember the time you were in the Super Bowl...and lost?
You fail to mention that part of the story whenever you mention your Super Bowl experience.

Don't worry, buddy...I got you covered.

Dope.

David Beckham advertising for H&M.
You know he doesn't actually wear that shit, right?

This Coke commercial with the polar bears really is a work of fantasy.
Its not because I can't see them playing football with a bottle of Coke, its because there isn't that much ice left for them to run around on like that.
Thanks, Republicans.

See what I did there?

I spotlighted global-warming AND shit on the Republicans.

Always good times.

The half is almost over and its 9-3 proving that if it weren't for Eli Manning getting spotted two points on a bullshit safety call, it would only be a 4 point game.

G.I. Joe returns this summer to remind everyone you don't actually need a story - you just need explosions.

Here comes half-time where everybody loses.
Madonna *yawn* will do whatever it is she is doing to excite the crowd.
I actually think getting asked to play the Super Bowl means that you sorta suck.

Aside from Prince, U2, and Springsteen...is there anyone that played the Super Bowl half-time show for any other reason except the people organizing the event just didn't want to see a performer pull out his balls?

Brady finally throws a touchdown in the dying seconds of the half.

Speaking of dying...t-minus fifteen minutes to Madonna.

Tom Coughlin is going into the locker room to dine on fresh kitten flesh at half-time.
I'm sure of it.
It's where he gets his power.

Bill Belichick drinks the tears of endangered species to get himself gassed and ready to go for the second-half.

In the meantime, how many people in the stadium do you suppose Madonna has had sex with?

I bet its at least three people.

Think about it...none of you can say that.

God..she is a dirt-merchant.

I hate Jay Leno.

Of course Madonna is being carried on the field by people who are "slaves" to her.
At least Madonna isn't lip-syncing.
She could be...I'm not sure...the top half of her face and the bottom half don't seem to be working with the same group of muscles.

Hold me.

Who is going to be the surprise guest that makes things worse this year?

Oh, look...its LMFAO...Jesus Christ...did I just say that?

Nicki Minaj just forced everyone in middle-America to run into their kitchen and hide behind the dip-bowl.

Cee-Lo is here to remind you that this network still really wants you watch The Voice.

Cee-Lo is really testing the durability of that hydraulic platform.

Madonna just fell through the stage.
I don't think that was planned.

Christina Aguilera jumping...haha....around...HAHA....like...a...HAHAHAHAHAHA...ninja.
Whew.

I gotta go change my pants.
I think I just peed.

Damn...she's HEFTY.

Is Clint Eastwood playing a vampire in this commercial?
I'm just asking.

Tom Brady sets a Super Bowl record with 14 straight completions.
Let's not get crazy with the records that don't matter.

Just win the game, Tom.

TOUCHDOWN!

In case you haven't noticed, I am rooting for the Patriots.
I don't want to pay taxes in a world where Eli Manning has more rings than his more talented brother.

The world premier of SMASH.
Thanks for the warning.
I can't wait to not watch that show.

Eli Manning is getting too much time to throw the ball.
Somebody kill him.

In the meantime, I am sure Madonna is in intensive care after falling through the stage. At least, in my mind she is.

HAKEEM NICKS just got rocked!

Attention, Hakeem....your lunch is done.

The Fiat 300 Abarth commercial was the best one I've seen all day.
Actually, its the best commercial I've ever seen...in forever...and ever.

I want this game to turn into a body-bag bowl.
I hope the Patriots keep sending the Giants off the field with injuries.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Jay Leno fucks over Jerry Seinfeld for a car!
So funny...because...HAHA...Jay Leno NEVER fucked over anybody for anything.
HAHA!
So funny!

Fuck you, Jay Leno.

NO!
NO!

The Cult being remixed for a commercial?
Do I have to throw "Love" into the trash?

Dance beats ruin everything.

Eli Manning in the dirt.
If they set that to dance beats, I would watch it...and dance.

Aaaahhh....Matthew Broderick in the Ferris Bueller commercial we have seen for the last week on Facebook.

Moving on...

Another one of the Giants goes down.
Of course, Cris Collinsworth has something to say about that.

After watching the Bud Light commercial with the dog named "Weego", I hate people more than I did five minutes ago.

I hate the people who made it, starred in it, and the people who drink Bud Light.
The only good part about the commercial was the plug to save rescue dogs.
Aside from that, it sucked.

Someone needs to start covering the Giants receivers. Someone also needs to put a punishing hit on Eli Manning. I want to see his head knocked off.

Apparently, Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin are taking their time-out calling lessons from Andy Reid...who sucks, by the way.

Tom Coughlin is freaking out.
I love watching him get angry.

Woodhead!

I don't have anything. I just like saying "woodhead".

Motley Crue?
I'm dealing with Motley Crue?

The dude from The Darkness is back to tell you that...what the hell was that commercial for?

Wes Welker is pretty bad-ass for being a dude named Wes Welker.

Tom Brady had a million years to throw that last pass. He is getting good pass protection. His receivers are dropping the ball.

They are reviewing that play?
Come on...it was a catch.
I hate the Giants, but he caught that ball in bounds.

Did the Patriots just allow the Giants to score?
I'm really confused about all the shenanigans, at this point.

I can't believe this is coming down to the final minute with Eli Manning in the lead.
Again...I believe that football is fixed if the Giants win.

Tom Brady is getting killed by his receivers.
They are dropping good passes.

Is this really happening...again?

Are the Patriots really going to lose to the Giants, again?

The Giants don't even belong in this game.

The Giants also had too many men on the field.

Either way, the Patriots should not be in this situation.
If they lose, they can only blame themselves.

And...its over.
Eli Manning...you are so unworthy.
Just know that we all think you are lucky.

Even your fans know you are lucky.

I don't really have a horse in this race. I am not an Eagles fan. The Giants don't bother me. I just really think Eli Manning is the luckiest QB I have ever seen. When I think of all the talented players in this league who have to sit and watch a guy who is just above mediocre win a title...when Dan Marino, Dan Fouts, and Jim Kelly never won a title...it makes me sick.

Now, I have to see him get an MVP trophy?

Suck it, Eli.
I will never think you are legitimate.

1 comment:

MrReRe said...

As usual, you have produced a beautiful work of art. That was the highlight of my day. Seriously. :-)